Mia woke up at 5am on Friday morning so I had plenty of time before work to lie in bed and scroll through Pinterest while Mia removed every object from on top of every other object on the entire second floor of our house.

 

Don’t worry I had the gate up on the stairs and I periodically yelled, “Mia be careful, don’t touch that” – as is standard parenting procedure.

Usually when I’m on Pinterest I only look at my homepage feed – so I’m seeing posts that my friends pinned. Recipes, outfits, expensive kitchen pictures and the like. But since Mia was up so goddamn early that morning I got through that entire feed (DONT JUDGE ME) and had to resort to the “popular pins” page – which is where things really get interesting.

I love Pinterest in the same way that I love the comment section on political Facebook posts. Meaning I vehemently hate it but I can’t stop looking. It’s like a really bad car accident. Scrolling through the Pinterest “popular” feed, though, I realized that Pinterest is in fact even worse that I had originally thought. Especially if you’re a mom, but really just in general. Because for every useful “life hack,” recipe and dream house photo there are 500 disgusting, overachieving, insulting and just plain WTF posts to go with it.

Why I continue to subject myself to this bizarre and unfortunate social-verse is hard to say. But what I do know is that the following 10 posts are prime examples of why Pinterest is the absolute worst social network on the planet.

1.

$3 dollars, eh? I guess you jogged to the junkyard and dug up a pallet, which you carried home on your back. Then stole a hammer, saw and pack of nails from the hardware store and spent $3 bucks on a sample can of stain which you used so minimally it covered an entire 8-foot bookshelf. Seems likely.

2. 

Ugh. Really? Why do you need to pin this? And why do you have a board called “Things about Boyfriends?” How many do you have? The fact that this pin made it onto the popular board makes me want to vomit. I can’t even quite put my finger on why memes like this make me so angry but I think it probably has something to do with PTSD resulting from the two years I spent in middle school.

3. 

I’m sorry – what? Is this a real thing? Why? Why is it on the “popular” board on Pinterest? You know the people in this photo are on LSD, right? If you’re looking for a team building activity at least go on a ropes course or something that also includes a free lunch. How to be a table? I don’t want any of those people on my team.

4. 

Go to hell you lying sack of shit. I hope your 18-month old potty prodigy gives you a swirly.

5. 

This post is “perfect for beginners so you don’t get overwhelmed.” Really? Because that picture makes it look so easy. Not overwhelming at all. But that’s not the point, is it? This post is not really meant to be helpful for people interested in learning meal prep – it’s just a more socially acceptable way of saying “I’m so healthy and skinny I own more produce than a Whole Foods and more tupperware than the Container Store! Betcha wish you had this much free time bitches!”

6. 

Aw, good for you! You’re so politically correct you even remembered to refer to homeless people as “struggling,” even though you had to qualify it afterwards (i.e beggars) so people would know what you were talking about. You’re such a good person you even pinned this photo to your Pinterest board – you’ll get around to actually doing it someday though. Just one suggestion – you might want to swap the toothpaste for some cash – you know, to buy a toothbrush. Or nips or whatever.

7.

OMG no. What is this? Back Fat Exercises for Women? I really don’t want or need to see this in my feed. Are the exercises going to make me look like that?! Who is going to repin this, honestly? Have you people ever heard of aspirational marketing? Use the AFTER picture. Sheesh.

8. 

Another excellent example of shit I absolutely don’t want or need to see at 530 in the morning when I’m looking for design ideas for my kitchen. Seriously people, WTH. Also, that is definitely a man’s leg – and unless he’s a professional swimmer or cross dresser, I’m not sure why he’s removing all of his hair. Pinterest is a very, very strange place indeed.

9.

Really? You hate mouthwash bottles? You hate them so badly that you’re pouring Listerine into an olive oil bottle for staging purposes? You know what, I don’t actually hate this idea. I just hate am so freaking jealous of the person who has enough time to repackage their mouthwash when I can’t even use mouthwash because nobody leaves me alone for long enough to swish.

10. 

Ok who pinned this? Because I want to slap them. Posts like this are the ultimate reason why Pinterest sucks. The fact that I managed a handwritten thank you note to the 57 people who sent my one year old a birthday gift is pretty much a miracle and now I’m a slacker because some overachieving supermom is creating custom chalkboard thank-you photos for each of their kids gifts. Gimme a break. Please.

Seriously I’m begging you Pinterest moms. Enough of the homemade 27 layer cakes and 623 step DIY bookshelves. For once, just once – let’s all post what we actually made for dinner (Annie’s Mac and Cheese) and what our kid’s birthday cake really looked like (Duncan Hines Confetti). I know there are some serious supermoms out there with nothing but patience and time on their hands – but for the rest of us – lets all agree to stop pinning shit we’re never going to actually do because we’re making each other feel inadequate when really – the fact that we created and raised a human(s) AND have dinner on the table – well that is a supermom feat all on its own.