When Mia turned one, everyone started asking me when we were going to have the next baby (as if having one baby isn’t miraculous or difficult or complete enough).

This is what I had to say to them:

“July 28th, 2014: One year ago today I pushed a 7.5 pound child out of my vagina – for 19 hours. Just let that sink in for a minute. I have not and will not forget that. Ever. And if by some small chance my husband manages to trick me into doing it again I will have more drugs in my system than Paula Abdul on an episode of American Idol.”Welp – one year later, and here we are. Preggars. And while I have not yet managed to procure whatever incredible drugs Paula Abdul seemed to be under the influence of on American Idol, I have changed my birth plan around a little bit.

Here’s (pretty much) what it looked like before:

Here’s what it looks like now:

Ha! All kidding aside, though, I will probably attempt a natural birth again but only if it takes like 3.5 minutes. If things start to drag out longer than that – pain meds it is! Carrying and growing a child inside your body while simultaneously caring for a 2 year old is no joke and I don’t need to endure any more pain and exhaustion than I already have, thankyouverymuch.

But now, on to the interesting stuff. The answers to all 10 questions I know I’m going to be asked anyway. Sorry for all the sarcasm, it’s the only language I speak fluently…

1.When are you due?

Sometime in the week or two following February 21st. Just trying to be realistic this time. For those of you who are pregnancy math challenged, that makes me just over 12 weeks pregnant.

2. Did you get pregnant on purpose?

No, I was out sick during all 6 of the sex ed classes I took from 6th-12th grade. For real though, of course it was on purpose. It’s hard to remove an IUD by mistake.

3. How are you feeling?

Nauseous and exhausted.

4. Are you excited?

Yes, and also extremely terrified.

5. Is Mia excited to be a big sister?

Just kidding:

6. How did you tell Dan?

I threw a pregnancy test in his face while he was sleeping and said “look what you did to me!” For real, though, that’s what I did. We’re both really romantic.

7. Do you think it’s going to be a boy or a girl?

Boy. But I thought that with Mia too. I’m usually right about 50% of the time.

8. Do you want it to be a boy or a girl?

Girl. I just want a healthy baby.

9. Are you going to find out if it’s a boy or a girl?

Obviously. Let me know when you meet someone with OCD who doesn’t find out on the first possible day you can find out (Ahem, September 29th).

10. Are you going to have another one?

Fuck you.  Absolutely not.

BONUS QUESTION: Are you sure it’s not twins?

Don’t you think I already stressed out about that enough? Yes, I’m sure. Hallelujah.