Last night I was reading a book to your big sister and in the book the mommy goes to the doctor for an ultrasound so the big sister can see what her baby sister looks like. Mia saw the picture and was immediately worried about you.
“Oh no, mommy!” she said. “It’s dark in there. Lucy’s scared.”
At first I just laughed, but then I thought – I hope you’re not scared in there. I hope you can feel how much we already love you and think about you all the time.
If I’m being honest, I should probably apologize to you. It’s taken me a little longer than most, I think, to feel connected to you. Maybe because motherhood scares me.
Maybe it’s because I wasn’t sure I could handle another baby. Anther pregnancy. Another major life change.
Maybe it’s because I love your big sister so much that I worried loving you would take away from the love I have for her.
Maybe it’s because I worried we would lose you before we ever met you – that you weren’t meant to be with us earthside.
But Lucy, love bug, all that worrying is just what Mamas do. And now I feel you kicking and squirming inside me every day. I feel your heart beating and your little body growing and I think I already love you more than I can find words to say.
I think often about what it will be like to meet you on your birth day. It’s scary, I know, but I’ll be there to hold you as you take your first breaths. Cry if you want to, Lucy, but know daddy and I won’t let you out of our arms until you feel safe again.
If you’re lonely, baby girl, know that it’s only temporary. Soon you’ll see from the other side just how many people love you and care for you. Your big sister talks to you every day. She practices rocking her dolls so she can rock you, too, once you’re here with us. She wants to take you ice skating and teach you “nasticks.” That’s gymnastics, in case you don’t already speak toddler.
Oh little Lucy, I’m so torn between wanting to have you in my arms, and cherishing these last months I get to carry you in my belly. The last months I’ll carry anyone inside me.
It’s such bitter irony that each of your first will be my lasts. The last pregnancy. The last birth. The last baby to burrow into my arms and nurse.
It is so brutally difficult and so incredibly joyful to give life to another being. To raise tiny humans into intricate, loving, full grown people. I hope someday you and Mia will get to experience it. But who will I nurture once the two of you are grown?
So take your time, little love. Be gentle. Be open. Be curious. But don’t rush.
We already love you little Lucy. You don’t need to be born to know that.
See you soon.
How far along? 24(ish) weeks
Total weight gain: 13 pounds, oy vey
Maternity clothes? you know it’s bad when even maternity clothes feel too restrictive. Yoga pants FTW.
Sleep: This cool weather has done wonders for my ability to sleep (minus the pee breaks). But the problem with getting good sleep is it makes it that much more painful when it gets taken away from you. Ugh.
Best moment this week: Feeling the little peanut do flips for daddy when he put his hand on my belly. Also, our new stove!
Miss Anything? running. I really meant to keep running through this entire pregnancy, but after a rough (exhausting and nauseous) start I was never able to get back on track. Now even a brisk walk gets me winded and I really miss the powerful, freeing feeling of getting in a good run. Here’s hoping I can keep moving at least through the next few months and then get back into running after the boo-boo is born.
Movement: lots of it, when I remember to sit still anyway.
Food cravings: Still on the salty (Mexican) food kick.
Anything making you queasy or sick: when I forget to drink enough water, or go pee, which is always.
Labor Signs: occasional braxton hicks, nothing crazy.
Symptoms: acid reflux mostly
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: depends on the day. Who am I kidding, depends on the minute.
Looking forward to: getting a tax return in a couple months (have baby, need money – ha!)
P.S. If you’re wondering if we chose a name….well, obviously.