The next person to win Powerball is going to win 1.3 BILLION (or more) dollars. Yes, billion. As in, the next biggest number after a million that most people don’t really understand, as evidenced by this meme going around Facebook right now.
I don’t know who Philipe Andolini is, but he is most certainly not a mathematician. Nice idea, though Phil!
Anyway even if the winner doesn’t decide to divide their winnings by the entire US population (who, by the way, would each receive $4.33, NOT 4.33 million) they still won’t actually be a billionaire because 40-ish percent of their winnings will be used to
wipe Uncle Sam’s ass pay taxes.
Taxes aside, though, the next Powerball winner is going to be very, very, very rich. And one thing I know for sure is that the next Powerball winner isn’t going to be me.
That’s because I haven’t bought a ticket.
I’d like to pretend that the reason I haven’t bought a ticket is my superior intelligence prohibits me from wasting even $1 on what I like to call the “idiot’s tax” (i.e. lottery) when I am statistically more likely to die from an astroid strike, or chronic constipation (for even more fascinating things more likely to happen than winning the Powerball Jackpot, click here) – but – the real reason I haven’t bought a ticket is because I’m too lazy to stand in line at a convenience store, and too embarrassed to admit I have no idea how to fill out a Powerball ticket.
The fact that we for sure won’t win, though, hasn’t stopped Dan and I from dreaming about what we would do if we did win. And that discussion actually led to a pretty significant “aha moment” (as Oprah would say).
You see, after discussing what we would do if we won Powerball the other night, Dan and I both realized that neither of us mentioned moving, or quitting our jobs.
That might seem like a small omission but it’s actually kind of incredible.
CUE THE CORNY MOVIE MONTAGE MUSIC: Our lives are so unbelievably blessed that neither one of us would want to quit our jobs or move to a new house (or state or neighborhood) EVEN if we won a billion dollars.
Seriously how many people can say that?
How many people would honestly keep their same job and live in the same place if money was no object?
When it comes to what really matters, we are already luckier than any Powerball winner could ever hope to be.
Which got me to thinking…if we’re so damn lucky maybe we SHOULD go buy a Powerball ticket…
And for those of you calling BULLSHIT right now on the #blessed tone of this post, here’s the (quite extensive and definitely not-that-unmaterialistic) list of the top 10 things we WOULD do with 1.3 billion dollars:
1. Buy new(er) cars: Dan wants a Honda Pilot and I’d like a newer Accord, or maybe a CRV. We still wouldn’t buy brand new, because even if I was rich I would still be
cheap economically savvy.
2. Completely renovate our house: More like tear it down and build a new one. But we would keep the property and renovate the barn because it’s pretty and our neighbors are awesome.
3. Pay off our mortgage and student loans: Because DUH.
4. Switch to part-time work schedules: We both agree 3 days a week would be ideal.
5. Take more vacations: We are still in the season of our lives where our vacations involve traveling to visit relatives that live near beaches. Someday we’d love to travel somewhere for cultural reasons and stay in a hotel. Make that a luxury hotel.
6. Cut up our credit cards: Theoretically of course, because actually I would still want the points. But we would have enough money in our bank account that we would no longer need to argue about whether or not we can afford Chinese takeout.
7. Buy some toys: Think – boat, snowmobile, motorcycles, etc.
8. Hire help: First on the list is housecleaner, then personal chef (someone besides Dan), then “annoying errands person” to do things like take our cars to get registered, renew our licenses, or pretty much anything that involves the DMV.
9. Allocate a home decorating budget: Ok fine, Dan didn’t approve this one but with 1.3 billion dollars I think we could afford at least a few hundred dollars a month for me to go crazy at HomeGoods.
10. Donate to good causes: Even when we can’t afford Chinese takeout, I still always end up sending like $10 bucks or something to the local animal shelter, or a relatives race to cure such-and-such disease because seriously how can you say no? Especially when it comes to sad looking puppies. So we would certainly allocate a portion of our winnings to helping out causes we truly believe in (oh yea, and our relatives). One charity I’m a big fan of right now is called “Carry the Future.” They collect baby carriers (and money, obvi) to send to Syrian refugees who often have to carry their infants and toddlers miles and miles at a time just to find a safe place to sleep. It’s a really incredible cause (I especially love the concept of moms helping moms) and if any of you are considering giving up Chinese takeout for your New Years Resolution, I highly recommend sending the extra dollars their way.
Ok, done dreaming now. What would YOU do if you won 1.3 billion?
How far along? 35 weeks
Total weight gain: 25 pounds (according to the doctor who’s scale actually weighed me in at 1 pound LESS than my scale at home…I DO believe in miracles!)
Maternity clothes? dan’s sweatshirts
Sleep: no dice
Best moment this week: when the doctor weighed me in at 1lb less than I was expecting.
Miss Anything? sleep
Movement: lots of flailing limbs and hiccups. People keep asking me if Mia was the same way in utero but the truth is I can’t remember…anything. I literally forgot to pick up Mia at daycare last week. I have officially lost my mind.
Food cravings: no and it’s awful because I’m already an indecisive person and now I can’t decide what I want to eat either.
Anything making you queasy or sick: thinking about going through labor again.
Labor Signs: so many Braxton Hicks contractions. When I told my doctor this morning he said “that’s great!” with a huge smile like a typical man.
Symptoms: all of them.
Belly Button in or out? all the way out and popping through my shirts so everyone can tell I’m pregnant and not just fat.
Wedding rings on or off? Still on, but if Dan leaves me a sink full of dishes one more time… JUST KIDDING.
Happy or Moody most of the time: happy, except for the (TMI warning) 20 minutes it took Dan to assist me in trimming the “nether region” that I can no longer see over my giant belly. In case anyone is wondering, there is no greater trust exercise in the entire world than letting your significant other take a razor down below. After reminding him to BE REALLY CAREFUL 746 times, Dan assured me that it would be against his best interests (in every sense) to be anything other than EXTREMELY FUCKING CAREFUL. We survived.
Looking forward to: A weekend away, a prenatal massage and a dinner date with the hubby.