A couple years ago I wrote a blog post about how much I love/hate Pinterest. After that I kind of abandoned Pinterest because I discovered Instagram was trying to spend more phone-free time with my daughter. And then Lucy came along and I was once again couch-bound with a human leach, sucking the life out of me one nipple at a time.

In order to remain sane/awake/entertained I turned to social media to pass the time. I swear nursing an infant is the only time in your life when you actually RUN OUT OF FACEBOOK POSTS in your feed and have to keep refreshing in hopes that someone else is awake at 3am posting something. And then once even that stops working you move over to Instagram, and then candy crush, and then…even Pinterest.

Damnit Pinterest you sucked me back in!

It didn’t take long, though, for me to become once again disgusted by the only social network that makes you feel inadequate for not DIYing your own “produce wash.”

I’m sorry – what? Is that really a thing? Isn’t it called…water? Unless you live in Mexico where I guess some people call it Iodine. But seriously WTF is this? And why does it require a faux-chalkboard label?

UGH.

Pinterest is supposed to be for stuff like this:

…and this:

Not this bullshit.

*Punches computer screen. Counts stretch marks. Eats a cupcake.*

So without further ado – an updated list of the 10 most WTF things on Pinterest right now.

1. Fun Ways to Surprise Your KidsOk this person is either insane, sadistic or definitely NOT A PARENT OF SMALL CHILDREN. If you think popping a balloon is a fun way to surprise young kids you have another thing coming. No. Just…no.

2. Everybody Loves Fleece Photo Blankets

No, no they do not. In fact, this is hideous and I’m offended that collage.com thought this pin was worthy of promotion. Hey collage.com – I’m a social media marketer and this ad sucks! You should call me.

3. Ingenious Things You’ll Want as a New Parent

There are a lot of things I never thought I would want in life and then parenthood surprised me (can you say “trip to the bathroom alone?”) but a plastic urinal is NOT one of them. I’m sorry but nobody WANTS one of these. Maybe you buy one out of necessity, but it’s purchased with the same enthusiasm that car batteries are purchased with. Or mouth gaurds for grinding your teeth. Or condoms or…ok you get the point. This thing is disgusting and also not practical because where are adults supposed to put their legs. Whatever happened to teaching your kids to piss in the damn toilet?

4. Rustic Baby Names

I just want to know what makes a baby name “rustic.” And if I want to make my child “rustic baby chic” do I call an interior designer or personal shopper or sperm bank or what?

5. How to Wear Everyday Outfits

Ok, lemme guess… put on clothes and wear them everyday? SMH. Seriously Pinterest is this the best you can do??!

6. Secrets for Sleep Success

Nope nope nope no nope. I swear 50% of the Internet is infant sleep advice and if I wasn’t so tired I would punch all of those “pros,” “doctors” and “coaches” in the face. And what is an “insider strategy” anyway? Has one of these experts gone undercover as an infant or something? I can tell you how to get your infant to sleep. Pray. That’s it. They either do or they don’t. I am DONE reading infant sleep articles…until 2am tomorrow morning when Lucy wakes up and I scream at Dan that THERE HAS TO BE A WAY TO MAKE THIS THING SHUT UP and the spend 2 hours on Google convincing myself that if I just cut gluten, soy, dairy, meat and food out of my diet my baby would sleep.

7. Grow 100 Pounds of Potatoes in 4 Square Feet 

But why? Who could possibly need that many potatoes? It seriously blows my mind that enough people are interested in growing a bazillion potatoes in their Manhattan apartment window box that it warrants an online tutorial. It’s a strange place, the Internet is.

8. Fun Ways to Try to Induce Labor

LOL. Yea, no. There is no fun way to induce labor. Even when you put it in a cute font inside a heart. And I know what everyone who has never been pregnant is thinking – BUT BUT BUT – they say sex can induce labor! Well, sorry to break it to you – but that’s a lie that some desperate husband made up and even if in some rare cases it does work here’s another newsflash – sex while 40 weeks pregnant does not even come close to resembling fun. Sorry not sorry honey. It’s the truth.

9. Useful Things You Didn’t Know Your Closet Needed

This looks like an interesting article except that the picture shows a rainbow of outfits held up by clothespins which is totally something that would only work on Pinterest. That would never ever happen in a real closet unless the person wore doll clothes. This is the Pinterest clothing equivalent of a cookie monster cupcake. i.e. it only works in theory.

And last but most definitely not least – the classic WTF Pinterest moment:

10. Exercises to Reduce a Double Chin

Just try it. I dare you.