I can’t wait until my 40’s.

I know I know, you’re not supposed to wish away time.

But by then my kids will be able to wipe their own asses, my student loans will be paid off, and I’ll have 4 weeks vacation at my work.

I might even have more money in my 401k than I put in it to start with. That one is iffy though.

But the real reason I can’t wait for my 40s is because I’ll be able to blame Gen Z (currently 0-17, those damn toddlers!) for ruining everything.

“Fucking Gen Z, melting the planet. If they hadn’t been born humans would just die out naturally – like we’re supposed to! Such selfish little brats.”

“Oh and can you believe what they’ve done to the value of an iPhone? My 5s is barely worth anything. Those little twats don’t even use eBay anymore – unbelievable how they’ve wrecked the economy.”

What? You think I’m being ridiculous?

This article was published last week. Like in an actual somewhat reputable news outlet, not some Facebook meme.

Millennials Endanger Casual Dining Restaurants

In case you’re a typical Baby Boomer and just comment angrily on shit without actually reading it 😉 here are the cliff notes:

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“Casual dining is in danger — and millennials are to blame.”

Of course they are. Millennials are to blame for everything. Including the viral attention this article got for using the words “millennials” and “endanger” in the headline. If they could have worked in an angle about being selfish and lazy, though – then it would have gone even “viral-er.”

“Brands such as TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesday, and Applebee’s have faced sales slumps and dozens of restaurant closures, as casual-dining chains have struggled to attract customers and increase sales.”

Clearly, this is the fault of millennials, and has nothing to do with the fact that all of the aforementioned casual dining restaurants spend 30 minutes microwaving a shitty hamburger and charge $15 for it. Three times what the waitstaff makes in an hour. 

“Millennial consumers are more attracted than their elders to cooking at home.”

Gosh, millennials are really terrible, aren’t they? They expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. And then they want to cook their own food on it! So lazy.

“More convenient chains have also drawn millennial customers away from casual-dining options. The growth of fast-casual chains such as Chipotle and Panera have been especially harmful. These chains can offer lower prices to millennial customers, who are less enthused about spending more money just for the experience of sitting in a booth at a casual-dining joint.”

Absolutely ridiculous how those millennials are always choosing the lower priced option. They really need to stop blaming everyone else for their poor financial management skills. 

“The healthiness and the speed of service — that’s been taking market share from casual dining.”

I mean really, millennials – what kind of person chooses something healthier and faster when they could go to Applebees, wait for an hour, and get something greasier. So selfish! Now stop whining and pay for our Medicare already. 

“Trends aside, when Smith says millennials’ tastes differ from what casual-dining chains can offer, she’s avoiding a blunter statement: Casual-dining brands just aren’t cool anymore.”

Yup, back in the good ole days when Ruby Tuesday was the place to be. Millennials really need to just devolve and get with the (old) times already. Sheesh.

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I mean I know that older generations blaming younger generations for “ruining everything” is a long and storied tradition (one I can’t wait to participate in) – but I feel like the Millennial shaming has gotten seriously out of control. To the point where Millennials are penning their own New York Post articles (I’m a Millennial and My Generation Sucks) berating other Millennials for being more whiny and self-absorbed then they are (helloooooo….kettle? It’s black!) in an attempt to, I don’t know, win the affection of old people?

I used my trust fund to start a business and am a millionaire at 26, I really don’t understand what all those ‘other’ millennials are whining about. Bootstraps, people. Bootstraps!

And then in the best display of irony ever, the author of this particular article offers the following piece of advice to his fellow Millennials to “turn things around”:

“The situation looks bleak — but we can turn it around, millennials. Here’s how. Action item one: Stop blaming everybody.”

Ha! Excellent advice Johnny. Ditto.

The real kicker, though, are the articles that accuse “Millennials” of contradicting themselves, like this one from The Atlantic: Millennials’ Political Views Don’t Make Any Sense.

To give you a quick summary, the article accuses Millennials of not making any sense because a survey of 2,000 Millennials revealed that they had contradicting views on things like political parties and healthcare.

For example: “Millennials are more liberal than the rest of the country, particularly on social issues, but they get more economically conservative when they make more money.”

First of all, duh. The richer you are, the more “economically conservative” you’re probably gonna get. How is that confusing?

And second of all, duh. Because Millennials are not a singular entity – they are 86 million people. Some of them are liberal and some of them are conservative. Depending on who you survey, you’re going to get a different answer. This doesn’t mean Millennials “are totally incoherent” as the article suggests, but rather, a large group of people with varying opinions and similar birth years.

The fact that Gen X, Baby Boomers and elitist Millennials can’t seem to make sense of this is what is truly perplexing.

But no – go ahead – just keeping blaming Millennials. When your social security runs out and your healthcare company decides that “old age” is a pre-existing condition don’t cry to me, though.

Bootstraps, people. Bootstraps!